“I think you are someone who will need to take anti-depressants for the rest of your life.”
It was 2014, exactly 18 months since my brain had imploded following several years of unmanaged depression, anxiety, bulimia and addiction.
My whole body flooded with adrenaline, and I instantly felt like I was going to vomit as I tried to process the words of my uncompassionate and rather blunt doctor. Fuck that, and fuck him, I thought angrily as I walked out in a daze. He hasn't got a clue!
That doctor probably had no idea just how deep his words cut, as he confirmed what had been my biggest fear since the life-changing breakdown I'd suffered the year before. Was this really my life now? Was there no going back to who, and how I was before? Do I even have the strength for this?
My Mental Health Journey
My Darkest Days...
Rewind back a bit to early 2013, when things had taken a very sudden and sinister turn.
I woke up one day and instantly noticed how very different, absolutely everything felt. My apartment suddenly felt haunted; my perceptions altered. The walls whispered at me in the silence, almost constantly. I would sit for hours, frozen with fear, listening to the footsteps I could hear walking up and down the hallway even though I was home alone. I had a constant feeling that I was in danger or being watched, hyper-alert to absolutely everything: seeing and hearing things that I'm almost certain weren't real, witnessing the demons of my mind play out in my reality.
I had been engulfed by an absolute relentless terror, an anxiety like no other - a heavy and all-consuming feeling of dread that took over every single cell in my body.
July 2012: Me & my beautiful dog, Romeo (who is still going strong at 14!)
The Long Shadow
That year changed everything for me, becoming my very own 'day zero'. It was as though everything before was a lifetime ago, and everything after was overshadowed by an overwhelming sense of terror and despair.
My cousin summed it up perfectly: “Once you know those dark places exist, life is never the same”. It was true. There was an innocence I lost that year that I knew was never coming back.
In the years that followed, I remained in an extremely vulnerable state. I felt like a prisoner to my mind, never really knowing from one day to the next how I might feel or function in the world - very much a "victim" to my mental health. I was merely “firefighting” my thoughts and emotions: a constant and exhausting battle without ever actually making any real progress, just doing everything I could to avoid the next relapse and keep my head above water.
May 2020: Whilst nursing in Dubai, UAE
Enough is Enough
In 2022, I hit rock bottom again. This time, when the clouds started to shift, I made myself a promise: that this was the FINAL time I was going to allow this to happen. I could no longer let this cycle repeat, with me being the helpless observer while my life and my dreams passed me by.
I finally accepted that it was time to stop running and time to start healing, once and for all.
February 2022: Living in Abu Dhabi at this point
Achieving Genuine Recovery
So that’s what I did - I packed my bags, and off I went on an 18-month solo journey focused completely on inner healing and growth.
I finally realised the importance of truly prioritising myself and my needs before anything and everyone else – and ensured that I continued to take action toward recovery, even on the days that would previously have defeated me.
I started journaling – every, single, day. Sometimes I would spend hours writing - trying to make sense of and formulate my typical ways of thinking, feeling and behaving - allowing me to draw attention to the conscious and subconscious ways in which I was holding myself back.
October 2023: Whilst pet sitting in London
With this new awareness, I learned to FEEL the emotion, but not attach to it (most of the time!). I learnt to question things in my internal world that I had previously thought of as facts (be-LIE-f’s). Anything that didn’t align with the future me, I let go of.
I learnt to set and maintain boundaries that served me. I learnt to act without always needing perfection (although, full disclosure, I still have work to do before I am fully able let go of my need for “perfection”!).
I paid attention to all the things I did which were in any way avoidant – doom-scrolling, overeating, over-exercising, substance use, etc. I learnt to be less critical of myself and to channel the same love and respect to myself that I do to others.
February 2024: Whilst pet sitting in London
Taking Back Control
The Power Within Me
I have fully let go of the resistance that we can hold toward “what is” – and learnt to find safety in the knowledge that I am always exactly where I am meant to be.
As the lifelong limitations previously imposed by my mental health have gradually diminished, I have grown stronger in my ability to apply this well-known but not-so well understood (or practised) FACT:
I really do have a choice, in every single moment - specifically in relation to my thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and where I direct my energy. When applied properly, this is a very powerful place to be.
Unfortunately, this is NOT me😅
This Beautiful Life
Honestly, to this day, I am still overcome with gratitude for how genuinely unrecognisable my life is compared to just a few years ago. It isn't perfect - perfection doesn't exist - but the parts of me that are still healing I now see as invaluable growth opportunities, no longer holding resistance or getting sucked into the same negative ways of thinking that I once did.
I have fully absorbed myself into the mindset of a completely obsessed “self-improvement junkie”, in-fact, this is now a central part of my identity. This allows me to be absolutely certain that I will only ever continue to improve and grow, no matter what is thrown my way.
No longer am I just aware of my power, I now actively seize every opportunity available to me with ease and confidence. I am able to see the beauty in even the most mundane of things – which I cannot help but interpret as a message to remind me of just how far I really have come. I now consistently wake up with a deep sense of wellness, with the knowledge that, this version of me is who I always was – I just had to find me again!
October 2024: Whilst pet sitting in Brighton
Let Me Show You The Way...
I have always wanted to work with people who, just like me, have dreams and aspirations but feel overwhelmed and frustrated by their lack of progress, held back by the same type of unhelpful thinking patterns and mindsets that kept me stuck and unhappy for so many years.
So, the logical next step was for me to leave the NHS to set up my own private practice, allowing me to do exactly that. Not only am I now living my dream life: happy, healthy and with an unshakeable passion that penetrates everything I do – but I get to carry out what I know is my true purpose in this world – to help others, just like you, achieve the same.
Let me make you a sincere and heartfelt promise: anything is possible. Be ready to step into a new identity, a different way of living and breathing, without limitation and without compromise. Know, that you can overcome anything that currently holds you back. Awaiting you is a life of inner peace and endless possibilities in which you can truly thrive.
- together, let’s cut the noise and make a plan for how you can finally achieve a powerful recovery and the life that you deserve – now is your time to shine!
We need your consent to load the translations
We use a third-party service to translate the website content that may collect data about your activity. Please review the details in the privacy policy and accept the service to view the translations.